I have thought to myself a few times, how shall I capture my 43rd birthday? Such highs, such lows. Mercury in Retrograde is bored of boredom and wouldn't allow it. The kids in town, after having all last week off due to Hurricane Sandy, were also off yesterday on Election Day. My mother told me all of my life that I was an Election Day baby, eager to assign me a "holiday". My brother also has a political holiday - Pearl Harbor.
Waking up as a single mom on a birthday is really going to test you on how much of a tune up in perception is needed. Joyous? Yes, in so many ways. One of my friends from the formative years passed away at about age 36. So I think of her, her kids and now granddaughter, who she never laid eyes on. I am blessed, a lucky one indeed to be able to see my own kids and see my grandson in photos on Facebook. Not the optimum situation but I'm here and I was able to lay eyes on the next generation of my lineage.
Meanwhile my Humanling couldn't give a pebble of a crap about sentiment. Eventually I asked for a happy birthday from her as she was more concerned with the Wii and her slot to own the television.
I made my coffee, did the dishes and wanted to go vote. Flip and I agreed to go together. Due to things he already had to do, it would be put off for many hours. I did yoga instead. Incense, vanilla candle and Soundscapes on one of those channels on the television that would give me the right vibe. Humanling came in and decided to write during my yoga session, eventually asking me about the music choice, which she liked.
On the way to the track to do some walking, I thought it would be the best time to eat a cupcake with a giant head of frosting. This frosting is worthy of being writ of from the best literati's of the world. Unbelievable.
Once at the track, I took out my dog-eared Dracula paperback. Humanling decided to walk with me, trying to emulate with an American Girl book. I tried to guide her since I believe walking and reading are pretty damn awesome. And if it weren't for my ability to do so, I'm sure I'd log less miles. A helicopter flew overhead and we took photos. We did yoga poses on the track. And I talked her into walking a full mile by waiting until she was halfway there to tell her only two more laps and you've made a mile! It worked. She gallantly did her mile and then walked off to sit in the car (NOT touching the radio as I'd instructed).
I took another 2 rounds alone and then we left. Eventually Flip came by bearing gifts. The best of them, a poem he wrote for me. He is 42 and this is his first time plunging into the poet pool. He spoke familiar of the staying up all hours to get it the way he wanted it....as the creative process is want to do. When it wants to come out, it won't let you rest.
The poem itself was incredible. The artist in him truly came out. There was so much concept to it.
We voted. We ate, the kid was carsick on the way there and back. We tore off to his place for some adult time. A fire was blazing, we spoke for a bit. We finally went down to the bedroom after being in the living room chatting for nearly an hour. He wanted to watch some election coverage....not my idea of foreplay but ok, I can be flexible.
Once downstairs, he is saying such wonderful, deep things. I could hear his soul in his words, and part of me wanted to just go with it and follow that unicorn....another part wondered what is real and what is any sort of manipulation, if at all.
Vulnerable, naked and just finally warming up under the cool blankets, the phone rang.
The voice on the phone announced it was Ex Girlfriend calling. Right Now. On my birthday, right before Stuff was going to happen. He said to me, great timing. I'll deal with that later. Then she started to talk on the machine as he tried to continue kissing me. I'll admit that I was not ok with this. Yes, it is me in his house, it is me that he says he loves (although he has also told me that he loves her - but you know, as a friend). I have been unfavorably compared to her in the past and emotionally and mentally beaten up for having guy friends or exes in my life. I have learned to burn them all at the stake for relationship's sake or else be interrogated with "logic" that falls in his favor. Why am I friends with them? Do I have a long history with them like he does with her? Are we really "friends"? This is what I used to go through. It is embedded in my psyche. And when I hear her voice on the machine, it pisses me the eff off because I am expected to be cool with it.
How cool would he be? I do wonder, although I wouldn't purposely bring about a life lesson for him to deal with. But I do know that it will happen at some point. That's how life is.
Wasn't it he, who showed up in my driveway trying to see if I was home yet, back in September, thinking that I didn't see him do it? Didn't he berate me because he thought that I was on a date?
The hypocrisy disturbs me. I feel that one reason he needs this person in his life is to validate his own desirability. His sense of self greatly depends on the outside world seeing him as superior with intelligence, body strength, and his looks - including being in shape. We all want that, right? Of course we do. But he seems to need it more than the average boo boo bear. He has told me himself that he could "have her back whenever he wanted" and then continues to keep her in his life. Well why else would you do that but for an ego boost? She hides him from her own boyfriend and does not admit to speaking with Flip. Rushes him off the phone if the boyfriend comes home. How good is that?
So yes. The call disturbed me. Greatly. I voiced it. He got mad. I started to get dressed. He shouted at me that I was not trying. So I lay back down and gave the green light that I was conceding for now but that he will have to accept any and all that I let into my life without crap. He continued to shout and then shouted at me that I wasn't doing anything to make it better, that I was being like ice. I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey...I'm not entirely sure how to incorporate angry shouting into foreplay. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. When he wouldn't stop, I finished getting dressed and since his car was at my house, needed to bring him with me. He shouted at me for a good part of the ride until I pulled over and told him that we weren't moving until he stopped. I had to pull over three times for a seven minute ride.
I don't get how he doesn't understand. I heard her message - playing 'phone tag'. Well that would mean that he called her last. I don't ask who he calls or when. I decided with the day by day status that it would all be don't ask don't tell. And then no one gets mad. But when the info is offered, that's different. He has never told me that he speaks to her unless I have asked. Then I get the run down. Or what he decides to tell me. Usually he throws it on her, as She is doing the calling. I sort of doubt she is doing all of it....especially since the phone tag comment. I decided to stop asking because it's just not helpful. Now he is throwing the past in my face. And I throw it back. I am the monster you've created because of your controlling, manipulative and overbearing ways. And you don't like it. You think you can change it. Let a dog smell a steak and whack it on the nose for three years every single time it smells a steak. Then one day decide to give it a steak to eat. What will the dog expect? That's how it is .
Don't compare me in arguments unfavorably to this ex of yours who has run the gamut of relationship offenses and chalk it up to her "drug addiction" and then get mad at me when she calls when we are in bed on my birthday. A little understanding would be great instead of acting like I have offended You.
The rest of the night was high and low. I held a sick guinea pig in my lap for hours and tried to give him water and food, which he would not take. I did my best to make peace with the situation and try to keep him comfortable and give him love. Flip emailed and phone bombed. He wouldn't let me speak so I finally pulled the batteries out of the phone. The raising of his voice caused me to raise mine in order to be heard. I let him speak but it was the same old when I tried to. He'd interrupt relentlessly. I didn't need to keep torturing myself in the last hours of my birthday. He started sending back responses that told me he wasn't reading my emails anymore, just deleting them. I decided eventually to cease contact as I was becoming more frustrated and upset. I watched the election results, feeling sick doing so, not being sure where things would end up. The results came like a bolt of lightning.....all of a sudden it was announced. I rejoiced and then stayed up to watch Mitt Romney concede....for I wouldn't be able to sleep without at least that. The country back in President Obama's hands, I went to sleep.
We now brace for a nor'easter....rain? Snow? Not sure. But I have some hours ahead of me today sans kid. Do I spend my gas, driving to the Buddha house so that I can take photos and probably see it for the last time before they close in January for a few months? Do I stay here and clean house (ew) and catch up on reading? That sounds good too. Exercise will be important though....perhaps today will really be a hula hoop & yoga day! I can read and hoop. Oh the choices! But I do need to get up off my grouchy butt and do something.
Perhaps I overreacted yesterday. Perhaps my initial reaction was not an overreaction but it only got worse with his reaction to mine. He does not like my statements about it being fine to be friends with who he wants, so long as he accepts my choices and what makes ME happy about who I have in MY life. I stressed, so long as there is no threat to the relationship.
I've learned the most from this relationship. It has a lot to offer in the way of learning opportunities. At the same time, I don't know that I really want Relationship Bootcamp. I think I'd be happy at times to move on to nothing for awhile or being with someone of an easier temperament. No relationship has held such serial combativeness. Just this one.
So happy birthday to me. The only realization that I've made lately is that I've lost my happiness mojo for a bit and will need to struggle to force it back upon myself. The urge to write, to read, to BE....it's a bit high up on the shelf and I'm struggling to reach it. But reach it I will. Maybe today I'll climb a shelf, for it is the harder thing to do.
