Saturn Says Grab Your Things and Let's Go!

It pretty much WAS Saturday morning folks.  I'ts 11:39 as I start this post out on my stoop.  I note that the hood is very busy...many cars parked to do errands, mail things, visit the library or perhaps enjoy a nasty egg and velveeta sandwich at the deli.  The farmers market may be winding down at this point in the year but I haven't been there for a couple of months at least.  Two reasons for that - I usually don't have cash on me.  And, I'm usually broke.  Oh wait three - and one of the vendors asked for my phone number, which I didn't give him but feel weird about visiting anyway.  He was very very nice, I will say.  But I don't think he or anyone else but me can see the sign on my face that says I've still got the poison in my system and won't force myself into dating.  I will at this point - maybe - if the person gels for some reason - say yes to small things.  A lunch or something simple.  The offers are not rolling in, and then again I don't really put myself out there.  According to Flip, I am probably juggling offers by the hour.  

This week is when Saturn is leaving Libra and going into my Hometown of Scorpio.  Saturn has basically been in Libra since October of 2009.  A nice, neat three years.  (ah...I knew I should have started writing earlier.  As is custom, Humanling comes outside to chill out with me.  Or stare at me.  Or need something from me.  

And bbrrrrrrryyyyyyyyeeeeeewwwwwwhhhoowhoooo....there goes my train of thought.  Shut down.)  So what I've learned about this planetary torch passing, is that the for the last 3 years, we've been trying to figure out who we are going to take with us into the Saturn - Scorpio scenario (which is now upon us).  I went into my Land of All that is Flip in 2009.  We were living together by October 2009.  All that I thought we were going to be, all that I was under the impression I could be, or that he already was - was not unfolding. In fact, I was blindsided by who he was when angry, which prompted me to evolve - or in this case, devolve - once the nicer approaches proved useless, to match him in war.   It was clear to me in September, but not clear enough, that this would not have been, had I given it more time, something I would have put on the diving gear for.  By November of 2009 the all out wars started and I was starting to lose grip of who I was, without knowing what was happening.  Instead of I continually confused and apologizing.  I wanted out of it (but at the same time now being fully immersed in love and addiction to this person) already.  Pollyanna would tap me on the shoulder most days and ask to play the Glad Game which involved first playing the Clean Slate game.  Fine with me.  Not fine with him.  He wanted to talk about it.  Good.  People should discuss where it went wrong.  Oh wait, he wanted to discuss where *I* went wrong. Every time.  

So leading up to leaving the Libran-Saturn unit, I spent the entire time fighting my urge to commit for better or worse, even through unhealthy dynamics or getting out and saving my own sanity and giving a quieter and more stable life to Humanling.  Every time I made the attempt to leave, I was called back for being a quitter and giving up and breaking commitment.  Until finally  over the summer months it happened, sadly but naturally. And with plenty of drama.  

This past week it was noted that there would be a period of time during the week that negotiations could happen....so that a person might not leave what they are in, but change the terms for a better outcome.  Probably things like, let's have date night, or cap the toothpaste or tap that ass some more...whatever it might be.  Flip did send me one email after almost two days of silence.  It simply said, *I love you.* and that was it.  It was a little undoing for me.  I'd already been still avoiding indulgent thoughts of trying to have a normal relationship with him.  But those thoughts aren't real....they're fancy.  It's when you remember the best of what was there and miss it.  There would be no gain to go back.  And there would likely be no change.  And then the whole process would have to painfully start over again.  

I went to get my brakes done yesterday - another story in itself.  Flip's email haunting me the entire time.  I thought just maybe, maybe I could stop by on my way home and ... and what?  Hug him. Then leave.  That's what I'd do.  I started to his house and halfway there came to a fork in the road.  Go right and finish the thought.  Knock on the door.  Look in his eyes and hug him.  Is anything that simple?  Go Left.....leave it alone.  Long term what good can really come of this?  It's just confusing for both people and will just give him ammo later to use on me that I've effed him over somehow. The hug will become some sort of boomerang shrapnel.  Go right and maybe we can talk.  Have a drink together later.  Go Left said, and again, what good will come of that?  

I went home.  I suppose that could have been the decision that the planetary committee was waiting for, feet tapping, arms crossed, some glancing at their watches.  Little tiny human girl....we have big things to influence out here.  What's it gonna be?

It'll be move forward and strive and hope the unknown is going to be better.  To scrap hope and make it better no matter what.  

I figured out something else.  The last time Saturn was leaving Libra was the same year that Flip and I had been little 13 year olds, ditching school to kiss for hours in the hay inside a barn.  He came back into my life months before Saturn would revisit Libra, which was about 25 years later.  And again, just like the last time, we part.

So while one of my friends solidified her relationship this summer, she chose her path....she found her person to travel the Saturn Scorpion influence with.  I've chosen to stick with an ideal of what I would want, rather than relying on the scraps of what I would get, had I chose something more tangible.  It makes for more boring weekend mornings when I am first waking up, but in the long run it nets more worth.  

But Saturn's an awesome planet.  I would call it the Karmic planet.  What you reap is what you sow.  If you've been working hard, Saturn will be more than happy to oversee your rewards.  If you are an underhanded, regretless terror, Saturn will be more than happy to oversee your lessons learned.  I suppose the harder things to do really are best at times.  

I think I made the right choice.