Oh boy! The Ling is going to the library! Do you know what this means? That this blog will be written without the accompaniment of hearing the F.U.N.Song, burps that sound more like clean ups and fucscia sounding commercials trying to high pitch voice me into buying cereals, pillow pets and absurd molding materials. However, as I sit here, I realize, the damn channel is still on. Immediate removal of laptop from my body and time to slap that sucker off. And do sit ups. And then write while drinking my slightly too sweet coffee.
Ah, silence. Not really. I have on one of those music channels that they give you. MY personal favorite? Singers and Swing! Yeah baby!! When I was in my 20s, this kind of music would soothe me after a night out at the bar. My live in boyfriend at the time was the singer of a band and he did not drink. I'm shocked that he put up with so much. Especially that time he came home to a party. Then he went to work the next day and upon coming home, there we all were still. Then he went to work the next day....to come home and find really what was a pathetic breaking down of something we thought was still a party. It was really any person just anywhere in the house at this point. I was in the kitchen thinking that I needed to make mashed potatoes and throw grey poupon mustard in them to prove to everyone that it did indeed make the potatoes taste like deviled eggs. That night my ex (who would not be my ex until well after this event, wow, what love!) sat with me outside on a curb while I blubbered about how awful I was feeling from all the booze and would he please hold my hand and would he please get up and walk with me now and thank you so much for being so wonderful and understanding, okay can we sit down again, that's not working...
Holy Tangents Crapman!!! What exit did I get off there?
So being that he didn't drink, I'd go out with my friends on weekends or whatever and come home at 2am, throw a black t-shirt over the tv screen in the bedroom and put on the AMC channel. Back then AMC would show nothing but old movies and I named this whole thing "The Grandparents". I wanted to go to sleep drunk with The Grandparents overseeing the whole thing. And that's the good sort of Irish luck that my boyfriend had, finding a great gal like me!
As I thought I'd sit down to blog during the day and get some of those Daytime feelings out there, the kid came home from the library. However, she had picked out some books that have kept her busy for the last hour. Her father, Cavey called and I heard the wind down...."She's home. She's in the other room. Ok!" {Thump. The sound of her jumping down off her loft bed}.
I knew it was coming for me. The Grand Interruption in the sky....it was inevitable. And I certainly don't want to be a mean old sober bat. So I put you all down for awhile to chat on the phone. See folks? This is why I write late at night with a bourbon next to me.
He was telling me about the adventures in transitional housing land. Where there are shakedowns and you have to take your thingy out and lift it up to show that you aren't hiding any great works of art or that stolen chicken salad sandwich that was in the fridge. He then asked me about Wikki sticks. I've done a lot of crafts. I own one of those Kid things that make them from time to time. I have not heard of these. I wondered where he was going with this. As he stated, an older woman comes in with stuff from time to time. And in his words, "She expects us animals to do crafts to express our feelings." Cavey has a heart and so I know he heartily worked on a craft so as to not hurt the woman's feelings, and because what else does he have to do with his time there?
Wild animals and Wikki sticks.
Speaking of feelings, my days are not normal without some blood boiling email from Flip. I am going to have a pure concentration of cortisol in my blood if I keep reading these things from him. And yes, the coffee and bourbon DO help me.
He suddenly had a facade of calm. He must have blown the dust off of one of his Buddhist books that has been sitting for over a year undisturbed. I'll admit, I can be baited. If he goes against one of those 'rules' he set by causing a ruckus during our relationship, then it drives me insane. During arguments, one of us turns into Ticket Cop. Ohhhh...you interrupted! You raised your voice! You name called! But that's because in our earlier fights, the ticketing started with him. I simply learned the rules and where to apply them and now I'm an expert! So he complained about me talking to my friends about his personal woes....which actually were my personal woes tied up with his actions and the end results. He machine gun emailed me repeatedly telling me that I have no business telling my friends about his legal problems. He wouldn't have said that except for the fact that I mentioned both my male and female friends believe the the same as I, and not because they are my friends. He didn't hear that. He heard this "My Hot mother fucking male friends that I am going to let lick me up and down think you're an asshole and know your life story now and say that you are wrong about everything you loser. And by the way, they are going to lick me up and down."
So I heard a cornfield's worth of earfuls on that for days and days. Then he told me that his ex called him because she "found out what happened". Well how did she happen to find out? We don't run in the same circles at all. But it turns out that his best friend talks to his ex's daughter. So there has been a direct pipeline the entire time of what went on in our house, to this ex. I couldn't really leave it alone, could I? After being blasted for days over my venting to friends, I asked of him....well aren't you mad at your best friend for blabbing about your troubles to your ex's daughter? Isn't he spreading your story and not in an emotional sense of venting, like I am?
This is where he got a glimpse of calm. He sent me a Dali Lama quote about change and how it is slow to come. I got served with the Dali Lama. So I had to think about that. I responded with a thank you, I appreciate it. And also a "not in our relationship experience this hasn't happened". He replied that Yes indeed, he has been on a road to change and improvement for some time now. The past is the past. Including two days ago when he called me all those names. This is the same person who has daily undoings by email. Or phone bombs me repeatedly then emails me to tell me what kind of person I am for not answering the phone.
But I'm so glad he's changed already. So I calmly replied to him. I said that a lot has been done to my mind over the past few years together, such as many false and out there sort of accusations. I gave a short list of them and said well, I'm glad he is doing well and getting better. It'll take me awhile to get to my own point of nirvana basically. He replied back that he did not say any of those accusations. Meanwhile I had forwarded him by email, his own original email accusing me of a ridiculous deed merely a week ago. He never answered that one.
This is the same person who drove my mind into not even jello because that has too much substance. The aura of jello. The thought of the aura of jello. My mind was hammered with such silliness. I was accused of stealing his dog because his pooch was frightened of his screaming and shouting and followed me into the further room of the house. I was accused of trying to go to the landlords behind his back and get him kicked out so that I could steal the place he had lived in for 10 years. I was accused of wearing tight jeans and boots to a doctor appointment for the doctor himself (It was not Dr. Dre or Dr. Love or even Doctor Doctor by the Thompson Twins). I was accused of telling him that I was better than him because I decided to stop drinking one Sunday for the day. Not for my life or the week. Just that day, and go to water. The beer was making me feel really unenergetic and tired. But he was insistent that because he was still having beer, that I was being judgmental somehow. I couldn't win with him. He'd be a great torturist for any government.
The real topper was just a week ago when he emailed and offered to bring me my mail. I said sure. The Ling was home and it was early afternoon. He brought it and we argued and he left/I showed him to the door. I got an email from him soon after, large font screaming at me that I lured him to my house for sex and then started an argument with him so that I could kick him out after having sex with him.
And so it goes. My reality becomes some weird angry and agitated Tim Burton mini series that never knows when to end. I got this far though. There was a time where I never thought that I could even leave. I'm almost out of the manhole!
And with that, happiest of Fridays to you....and if you should go out tonight and meet someone, don't try to steal their dog.
So being that he didn't drink, I'd go out with my friends on weekends or whatever and come home at 2am, throw a black t-shirt over the tv screen in the bedroom and put on the AMC channel. Back then AMC would show nothing but old movies and I named this whole thing "The Grandparents". I wanted to go to sleep drunk with The Grandparents overseeing the whole thing. And that's the good sort of Irish luck that my boyfriend had, finding a great gal like me!
As I thought I'd sit down to blog during the day and get some of those Daytime feelings out there, the kid came home from the library. However, she had picked out some books that have kept her busy for the last hour. Her father, Cavey called and I heard the wind down...."She's home. She's in the other room. Ok!" {Thump. The sound of her jumping down off her loft bed}.
I knew it was coming for me. The Grand Interruption in the sky....it was inevitable. And I certainly don't want to be a mean old sober bat. So I put you all down for awhile to chat on the phone. See folks? This is why I write late at night with a bourbon next to me.
He was telling me about the adventures in transitional housing land. Where there are shakedowns and you have to take your thingy out and lift it up to show that you aren't hiding any great works of art or that stolen chicken salad sandwich that was in the fridge. He then asked me about Wikki sticks. I've done a lot of crafts. I own one of those Kid things that make them from time to time. I have not heard of these. I wondered where he was going with this. As he stated, an older woman comes in with stuff from time to time. And in his words, "She expects us animals to do crafts to express our feelings." Cavey has a heart and so I know he heartily worked on a craft so as to not hurt the woman's feelings, and because what else does he have to do with his time there?
Wild animals and Wikki sticks.
Speaking of feelings, my days are not normal without some blood boiling email from Flip. I am going to have a pure concentration of cortisol in my blood if I keep reading these things from him. And yes, the coffee and bourbon DO help me.
He suddenly had a facade of calm. He must have blown the dust off of one of his Buddhist books that has been sitting for over a year undisturbed. I'll admit, I can be baited. If he goes against one of those 'rules' he set by causing a ruckus during our relationship, then it drives me insane. During arguments, one of us turns into Ticket Cop. Ohhhh...you interrupted! You raised your voice! You name called! But that's because in our earlier fights, the ticketing started with him. I simply learned the rules and where to apply them and now I'm an expert! So he complained about me talking to my friends about his personal woes....which actually were my personal woes tied up with his actions and the end results. He machine gun emailed me repeatedly telling me that I have no business telling my friends about his legal problems. He wouldn't have said that except for the fact that I mentioned both my male and female friends believe the the same as I, and not because they are my friends. He didn't hear that. He heard this "My Hot mother fucking male friends that I am going to let lick me up and down think you're an asshole and know your life story now and say that you are wrong about everything you loser. And by the way, they are going to lick me up and down."
So I heard a cornfield's worth of earfuls on that for days and days. Then he told me that his ex called him because she "found out what happened". Well how did she happen to find out? We don't run in the same circles at all. But it turns out that his best friend talks to his ex's daughter. So there has been a direct pipeline the entire time of what went on in our house, to this ex. I couldn't really leave it alone, could I? After being blasted for days over my venting to friends, I asked of him....well aren't you mad at your best friend for blabbing about your troubles to your ex's daughter? Isn't he spreading your story and not in an emotional sense of venting, like I am?
This is where he got a glimpse of calm. He sent me a Dali Lama quote about change and how it is slow to come. I got served with the Dali Lama. So I had to think about that. I responded with a thank you, I appreciate it. And also a "not in our relationship experience this hasn't happened". He replied that Yes indeed, he has been on a road to change and improvement for some time now. The past is the past. Including two days ago when he called me all those names. This is the same person who has daily undoings by email. Or phone bombs me repeatedly then emails me to tell me what kind of person I am for not answering the phone.
But I'm so glad he's changed already. So I calmly replied to him. I said that a lot has been done to my mind over the past few years together, such as many false and out there sort of accusations. I gave a short list of them and said well, I'm glad he is doing well and getting better. It'll take me awhile to get to my own point of nirvana basically. He replied back that he did not say any of those accusations. Meanwhile I had forwarded him by email, his own original email accusing me of a ridiculous deed merely a week ago. He never answered that one.
This is the same person who drove my mind into not even jello because that has too much substance. The aura of jello. The thought of the aura of jello. My mind was hammered with such silliness. I was accused of stealing his dog because his pooch was frightened of his screaming and shouting and followed me into the further room of the house. I was accused of trying to go to the landlords behind his back and get him kicked out so that I could steal the place he had lived in for 10 years. I was accused of wearing tight jeans and boots to a doctor appointment for the doctor himself (It was not Dr. Dre or Dr. Love or even Doctor Doctor by the Thompson Twins). I was accused of telling him that I was better than him because I decided to stop drinking one Sunday for the day. Not for my life or the week. Just that day, and go to water. The beer was making me feel really unenergetic and tired. But he was insistent that because he was still having beer, that I was being judgmental somehow. I couldn't win with him. He'd be a great torturist for any government.
The real topper was just a week ago when he emailed and offered to bring me my mail. I said sure. The Ling was home and it was early afternoon. He brought it and we argued and he left/I showed him to the door. I got an email from him soon after, large font screaming at me that I lured him to my house for sex and then started an argument with him so that I could kick him out after having sex with him.
And so it goes. My reality becomes some weird angry and agitated Tim Burton mini series that never knows when to end. I got this far though. There was a time where I never thought that I could even leave. I'm almost out of the manhole!
And with that, happiest of Fridays to you....and if you should go out tonight and meet someone, don't try to steal their dog.
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